Al Swearengen, owner and proprietor of Deadwood, South Dakota's Gem Saloon in the 1870's, is known best for his foul mouth and willingness to kill for the sake of business. He has generously set aside some of his precious time to read aloud the classics we've all grown up with. Not content to merely recite the language written on the page, Mr. Swearengen has peppered each book with bon mots of his own devising.
Gather round! Hear him read from such works as:
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Harold had to do every fucking thing for himself, beginning with that cocksucking crayon. He made a long straight path so he wouldn't get fucking lost.
"Lorax, Lorax," I fucking said just one fucking time. "There's no cause for fucking alarm. I chopped one fucking tree. I am doing fuck-all harm."
"Here's my counter-offer to your counter-offer: go fuck yourself."
Where the Wild Things Are
Max said "I'll eat you up, you cocksuckers! Now shut the fucking door behind you!"
Good fucking night, moon. For all the fucking good you've done me my whole fucking life.
The Velveteen Rabbit
On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged at the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming. Christ, if I were a fucking rabbit I'd not want to be Real, because then you have to deal with every fucking thing. Want a shot of whiskey?
For a limited time, Mr. Swearengen's read-aloud series is available to readers of this blog! Just send check or money order by telegraph to Al Swearengen, care of the Gem Saloon. He'll be right pleased by your purchase, and you can rest assured your children will thank you for boosting their vocabulary.