friday robots

I was having such a good time making land look like it was underwater last week that I did it again. Although this effect looks more like it's on watercolor paper, which is partly true. I actually used Prismacolor markers and messed with Levels in Photoshop. The photo, of course, is from Tucson. The robots are from my brain.

Happy Friday everybody!

state of the blog 2010

40 years ago this month, President Nixon gave his first State of the Union address. The 1970's were, while not exactly a fiasco, a decade remembered more for its failures than its positive accomplishments.

10 years ago this month, I stood in the Capitol building as President Clinton gave his final State of the Union address. It marked the end of a successful decade; the 1990's saw prosperity and the end of a short war in the Middle East.

Today President Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union address. I'd mark my enthusiasm level somewhere between Joe Biden and a fan of the Boston Red Sox in September. President Obama spoke not only to the issues he campaigned for a year ago, but for a logical extension. He has a plan, and he's taking steps to move to the next step. Like he stressed, these things cannot happen on their own. A health care bill needs to be passed. More help needs to be given to people without jobs, people with crappy jobs that do not pay the rent, and to people who want to go to college. As I typed the preceding sentences, it struck me how obvious that all sounds, but in Washington there needs to be someone to point these things out frequently and without obfuscation. I'm also happy he pointed his Presidential finger at the Supreme Court, 5 of whom decided corporations and special interests are more important than millions of working Americans. (Emphasis on "working.")

I'll end this highly biased, flag-waving post with my first State of the Blog. It is shorter than the President's. Ladies and gentlemen:

Pirates.

Zombies.

Dinosaurs.

Thank you internet readers, and thank you fellow bloggers.

a young man's game

I was in college when I first realized it: I would never pitch in the World Series. Never, never ever. At 20, I was far too old to begin practicing and reach the level required for the Majors. If I began practicing at 20, you see, it would take decades to reach the 10,000 hours required to master the art of baseball. And at 40, I would be too old to be a rookie.

With each passing year, I became aware of more and more occupations forever lost to me. "It's a young man's game," the saying goes, but has anyone sat down to make a list of all the careers that are the provenance of the young?

Now I have. Without further ado, here are the young man/young woman's games.

baseball
football
American football
soccer
British Ultimate Frisbee
cartooning
syndicated humor columnist
Fox News correspondent
owner of a secondhand bookstore in Paris
fashion photographer
socialite
fussbudget
factory slave
orphan
McDonald's store manager
Nihilist
math teacher
English teacher
history teacher
science teacher
PE teacher
accountant
actuary
gravedigger
obituary writer
CFO for KFC
sous chef
wine taster
King's poison tester
Wal-Mart greeter
paperboy
trash collector
trash can designer
typographer
Rabbi
professional video game tester
dreamer
hustler
beggar
drifter
hacker
slacker
scoundrel
scalawag
boogeyman
blogger

snoopy writes bukowski

This post is now on my website.

friday robots

More underwater robots this week. I originally wanted to see if I could take a picture, then make it look like it was underwater. The way the black outlines on the robots are separated from the colors was an accident at first. Turns out I like the effect, so I exaggerated it. Oh robots, you continue to teach me.

I couldn't decide which version of the second image I liked better, so I include both.

Bonus points if you can guess the city in each image. (Hint: they aren't really underwater. Answers below!)

extraordinary measures

Today I would like to talk to you about a movie you will not see me in. The movie is called Extraordinary Measures, starring Han Solo and Encino Man. Extraordinary Measures is the very first movie that I worked on. I was a stand-in for this guy:
Jared Harris. A British actor who often plays Americans. Unless he is the bad guy, when he whips out that sinister British accent.

I was not expecting to get such an interesting part in the movie. I only signed up to be an extra, but this plum job got offered to me and I accepted. Being a stand-in can be demanding: you have to pay attention to what the actor does in rehearsal so you can mimic his movements so the camera guys and the lighting guys can get set up. You also have to wear approximately what the actor is wearing, which for me meant a suit. Finally, you have to somewhat resemble the actor. Fortunately, my genetics suit me perfectly to stand in for a fair-skinned, light-haired guy who happens to have enormous pectoral muscles. There wasn't a scene in which Mr. Harris had to bust out of his shirt, Hulk-style, but I would have been ready to practice that for the cameras.

I wasn't around for the whole shoot, so much of the movie will be a surprise to me when I see it later today. I know a bit of the plot from guesswork (reading the dailies and trying to piece them together into a story) and from talking to the crew while on set. It's about a guy, John Crowley, whose kids have a deadly disease. Crowley is also a doctor, so he begins doing research in hope of finding a cure. Unable to work alone, he teams up with a rogue doctor, Dr. Harrison von Stonehill, and together they attempt to subvert the system to get the job done. The character Mr. Harris plays, Dr. Kent Webber, is more traditional in his approach to funding medical research, so of course he buts heads with Dr. Stonehill and John Crowley.

Then there's a big car chase, followed by the Clone Wars, capped off with the explosion of the Seventh Dimension. Your typical medical drama.

You should all go see this movie, not because you will see me (you won't), but because you'll see some awesome actors acting awesomely. You'll also see quite a bit of the Portland area and the Oregon coast.

It was a real pleasure watching not only Harrison Ford, Jared Harris, and Brendan Frasier work, but getting to watch how a movie is made, shot by shot. People who know better than me have said the process gets old after a while, but I had so many questions answered I never felt boredom creeping in. I also had time to read two very good books.

And since Jared Harris seems to be the only actor (well, maybe not the only one) I could stand in for, I hope he comes back to work here again.

Al Swearengen reads you the children's classics!

Al Swearengen, owner and proprietor of Deadwood, South Dakota's Gem Saloon in the 1870's, is known best for his foul mouth and willingness to kill for the sake of business. He has generously set aside some of his precious time to read aloud the classics we've all grown up with. Not content to merely recite the language written on the page, Mr. Swearengen has peppered each book with bon mots of his own devising.

Gather round! Hear him read from such works as:

Harold and the Purple Crayon
Harold had to do every fucking thing for himself, beginning with that cocksucking crayon. He made a long straight path so he wouldn't get fucking lost.

The Lorax
"Lorax, Lorax," I fucking said just one fucking time. "There's no cause for fucking alarm. I chopped one fucking tree. I am doing fuck-all harm."
"Here's my counter-offer to your counter-offer: go fuck yourself."

Where the Wild Things Are
Max said "I'll eat you up, you cocksuckers! Now shut the fucking door behind you!"

Goodnight Moon
Good fucking night, moon. For all the fucking good you've done me my whole fucking life.

The Velveteen Rabbit
On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged at the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming. Christ, if I were a fucking rabbit I'd not want to be Real, because then you have to deal with every fucking thing. Want a shot of whiskey?

For a limited time, Mr. Swearengen's read-aloud series is available to readers of this blog! Just send check or money order by telegraph to Al Swearengen, care of the Gem Saloon. He'll be right pleased by your purchase, and you can rest assured your children will thank you for boosting their vocabulary.

Planet X is for Lovers

In yesterday's post I put forward the opinion that the moons of Jupiter and Saturn are more important for exploration than our Moon and Mars. Today I'd like to amend that statement.

Planet X is the greatest threat to our lifestyle since the liberal media invented the printing press. We need to send troops there immediately before Planet X's population shoots lasers at our biggest cities.

Imagine the horror of the Eiffel Tower being knocked down like a child's toy. Or the Empire State Building being ripped from its foundations and tossed carelessly into the Atlantic. Cringe at the thought of the Hollywood sign being torn up and scattered across the Los Angeles Metro Area. What would we do if these landmarks were destroyed?

Destroying Planet X must be NASA's first priority. It would be a crime against humanity to let this ultimate evil reside in our Solar System a day longer.

forget mars

A lot has been made of NASA's on-again, off-again plans for returning people to the Moon and then sending the first human to Mars. Personally, I'm not a big fan of human space exploration right now. Sure, given limitless resources it would be awesome to see a human stepping onto the Red Planet, or to see oxygen-filled domes on the surface of the Moon. But we're not in that position right now.

NASA has done us more good in the last 50 years than most other government agencies. Scientific advances, cultural significance...NASA is undoubtedly essential to our country and to the world. Yet every year they're asked to do more with less. "Do this thing no one else has ever done before, and do it for less money than last year," the federal government says. Then the Pentagon gets another twelve billion dollars no questions asked.

Given NASA's budget restrictions, it shouldn't be focused on people. It should be focused on increasingly ambitious landers and satellites. Two obvious candidates are the moons of Jupiter and Saturn. Here's why: the Moon is a barren rock. We established that long ago. It's got some ice, but so does Antarctica. Mars is totally awesome, but it too is a barren rock. It's got some ice and may even have water under its sandy surface. But so what? That's basically a bigger Moon.

Jupiter's moon Europa and Saturn's moon Titan both have giant oceans. Real liquid. They may have real life forms living in those oceans, right this second. Europa's ocean is underneath a layer of ice, but it may be heated by thermal vents coming up from the planet's core. We've already found life on our sea floor living near thermal vents, so it wouldn't be such a jump that life could exist elsewhere in the Solar System in the same way. Titan is even better: it's got oceans right there on the surface. Isn't all that a bigger deal than digging for ice on Mars?

Fortunately, there are plans for sending probes to both Europa and Titan in the coming decades. There will be an orbiter for Europa which will scan the surface. Titan may get a twofer: a hot air balloon that will fly through its atmosphere as well as a lander that will ride the waves of Titan's seas. I can't wait until the 2030's when these two projects will be sending back information to Earth.

In the meantime, though, if NASA is forced to spend the majority of its limited resources on manned missions to barren worlds, we won't see as many exciting projects like the ones discussed above. I mean, there are lots of rocks out there. Why don't we try for as many as possible?

friday robots

These robots appear at the end of a very troubling week for the good people of Haiti. I don't want to sound trite, and I doubt very much anyone from there reads this blog (even before the earthquake), but I'm sending out all my best wishes to them.

A list of good things to do right now, which I couldn't hope to write any better.

Happy Friday, and may each day bring a little less suffering.

the great mug review, part 1: mug season

Wintertime is mug season. It's cold outside, the days are short and dark. What better way to pull through than with a piping hot cup of tea? That was exactly my mindset when the unthinkable happened: my mug broke. More specifically, I broke my mug while I was trying to wash it. I stood there at the sink, holding the broken mug, unable to put my grief into words. How would I cope with the rest of winter?

The good people at www.cookware.com provided me with the answer. They supplied me with new mugs in exchange for a few words on this here blog. Today's post is part one of that review.

The mug I am reviewing is an iittala Teema mug. Clocking in at 10 oz., this little black mug boasts a remarkably wide handle and a good base-to-brim ratio. As seen above, it looks good in any kitchen because, hey, black goes with anything. It really classes up my kitchen, for sure. It certainly puts the old mug to shame.

Good design was obviously key for the Teema's creators. Although some of you may say "a mug's a mug," the little differences really make this a unique specimen. Light construction makes this mug look deceptively small. There were no excess materials used, which make it both economical and environmentally friendly. When I poured the hot water in to make tea, I was amazed at how much liquid it held. The wide brim oxidized the tea effectively. One of my chief complaints of other mugs is when all the tea settles in the bottom of the mug. Not so with the Teema: the base, being only slightly narrower than the brim, did not "trap" the tea at the bottom.

Another benefit of its color: it will never become stained and unsightly even after years of tea drinking.

Of course no test of a mug is complete in the ideal kitchen setting. I enlisted my friend Andy to help conduct a field test of the Teema:

You may be able to make out the steam rising from the mug on this chilly January night.
I'm glad to say the Teema passed the field test with flying colors. It kept the liquid piping hot, even in adverse conditions.

I'm happy to give a enthusiastically positive review for the Teema. It is truly a magnificent mug.

ominous signs for ominous times

This is a redhead, also known as a ginger.
It's actually me.

See how normal I look? Not at all like I'm descended from a cat, or an alien-human hybrid. The reason I mention this is because apparently people type these things into Google all the freaking time.
These are the top suggestions you get when you type "redheads are" into the Google search engine. "Redheads are gross" is the top search people have performed, followed closely by "redheads are aliens." I certainly prefer "redheads are trouble," because that's 100% true.

I'm surprised that so many people think there's a secret laboratory in which Scottish scientists grafted alien bone marrow onto a human baby to create the first ginger kid. That is 100% false.

Redheads are apparently a misunderstood creature. Some people say we're going extinct in the next 50 years. Well, I certainly don't plan on dying that soon and I know gingers younger than I who don't either.

Redheads are so popular, in fact, they appear in the mainstream (liberal) media. Petey, from the comic strip Cul de Sac, is one of the greats.
Don't fear us; we can't help how awesome we are. And please stop typing weird stuff about us into Google.

harry potter as...

...a farcical comedy:



Does anybody else think Hugh Grant is the grown-up Harry Potter? Now that's a movie I'd like to see.

The Sound of Falling Rock

Ever wonder what it's like to draw Welcome to Falling Rock National Park? My friend, documentary filmmaker Andy K, recorded my process and made this short video.



Cartooning requires skill, patience, and of course a xylophone.

friday robots: design edition

The robots are rather abstract today. In the first image you'll see downtown Portland (including OHSU on the hill) in all its fall glory. The second image layout was stolen from a WPA poster from the 1930's. The textures are all from pictures I took in John Day Fossil Beds, Oregon.

how to build a strong marriage

The tests of a marriage come in all manner of shape and size. It is as if some supreme being created the institution of marriage as a supreme prank on the human species. "Here, see if you can handle this," I imagine Him saying, tossing marriage like a cancerous frisbee with a perverse twinkle in His eye. Then He lays back on the supreme La-Z-Boy and cracks open a Cold One.

Some tests of marriage are big: where will we live? What will our jobs be? Some are minute: we each bought a gallon of milk today! How will we drink all that milk before it expires? But a true test of a lasting marriage often comes from out of the blue. At least, it did for me. For me, the true test of my marriage came hours before my wedding ceremony.

My fiancee Isis and I traveled to the tiny mountain town of Telluride, Colorado to tie the knot. Telluride was formed as a mining town. Their city hall, where we procured our marriage license, has burned to the ground three times; each time it was rebuilt. In the struggle between law and chaos, Telluride has chosen law.

Besides having a city hall, being surrounded by pristine mountain wilderness, and having an awesome free gondola that you can ride all day long if you like, Telluride has recently become known for the celebrity couple living there.

Tom Cruise (renowned for his voiceover work and infomercials) and Katie Holmes (who stole the heart of Batman and Professor Grady Tripp), recently engaged at the time, bought a small house near downtown Telluride. This was big news; it was also worrying to Isis. What if the Hollywood couple chose to get married the same weekend we did? Would the town be transformed with the arrival of paparazzi, looky loos, and the "in" crowd?

Isis needn't have worried about it. Tom and Katie's marriage turned out to be much later than ours, and not even in Telluride. What she should have been worried about, however, was the unexpected meeting of Katie Holmes and her fiancee.

I was in the local wine shop with my brother. We wanted to stock up for the wedding party following the outdoor afternoon ceremony. With the help of the shopkeeper, we made informed choices suitable for the celebration (unlike my fellow blogger, we are not wine connoisseurs). As I was waiting for my brother to make his part of the purchase, Katie Holmes walked in.

Here's how it went down: I stood behind my brother. The counter was situated so that you walked right past it as you entered the store. There was a narrow walkway, so if someone were to enter the store as you were making your purchase, you'd have to step aside to let them pass. This is what happened with me and Katie Holmes. I heard the door open, looked over, and saw Katie. I smiled (my friends will attest: this is what I do with everybody) and stepped back to let her and her friend, an older woman with short blond hair, pass.

It happened so quickly I didn't really have time to process it. But once my brother and I were out of the shop, I stopped him.

"Katie Holmes is in the wine shop," I said to my brother. I had my hands on my knees, as if winded from a sprint. "Did you see her?"

"No," he said, clearly bummed out.

I had him go back inside on the pretense of looking at another bottle of wine. He came back out and said he wasn't able to get a good enough look at her. He did say he saw a young woman with the same length brown hair as Katie Holmes. But I, who had seen her straight on, knew the truth.

We went back to where we were staying and immediately told the first person we saw, Isis' brother. As other members of the wedding party got back, we told them too. None, except Isis' brother, believed me with as much certainty. My bride-to-be was especially skeptical. She stated that in no way could I have seen Katie Holmes. She was scared, I'm sure, but she needn't have been.

You see, dear readers: I met Katie Holmes and I still wanted to get married to Isis. Never, not once, from the moment I saw Katie return my smile with a look somewhere between avoidance and contempt to the moment I said "I do" to Isis later that day, did I entertain the thought of not going through with the marriage.

Does that make me stronger than Batman? Yes.

In spite of the fact that I could have easily wooed Mrs. Cruise in the wine shop, I never for one second asked to postpone the wedding. I never thought of going back, using my best pick-up line,* and running away with a Hollywood starlet. That should tell you the intensity of my commitment to the woman I was about to marry.

The future will bring many more tests of our marriage. We will weather them with aplomb. Ours is a strong union that no lightning with crack, no flood will breach. I know this because I met Katie Holmes.




*"Are you a model or something? Because you're pretty."

YOUR SOURCE for Alan Rickman

Huh.

According to Google Analytics, the top keyword search for this blog in the last month was "Alan Rickman." When did Falling Rock become synonymous with this British actor? Make no mistake, I'm honored to be in such esteemed company. Mr. Rickman has proven himself a versatile and hugely talented actor.

But, seriously. Why not "comics" or "Falling Rock" or "hott cartoonist?"

Ah, well. Here's to Alan Rickman. May his name drive traffic to my blog for many years to come.

mesozoic era reptiles

This post can now be seen on my website.

friday robots: happy 2010 edition

I always thought mixing Westerns with Sci-Fi was a brilliant idea. Here's an Albuquerque bartender robot, awaiting your order.

What'll it be, Lloyd?

happy new year! from Falling Rock and Dan Bern

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicians, Dan Bern. I like the idea of starting off the year with a fresh start rather than a closet full of murder weapons. I know, I know; you can't stop the zombie apocalypse without some semi-automatics. But that's what the military is for! Heck, the only reason I pay my taxes is just in case we need the Marines to halt the advance of the zombie army. In the meantime, though, let's see if we can be a little less violent this year.

Here's to 2010!

Disarmament

Well, you can't stop
on the side of the highway
see if someone
needs help

You can't pick
a hitchhiker up
He might
have a gun

How could you send your kid
to an American school now?
I could not send my kid
to an American school

Well I can almost see you
having a gun
if you lived out, way out
on the open range

If there was no one
within 30 miles of you
But these days we live next to
and right on top of each other

Well back in 1933
Einstein left Germany
He knew what he was feeling
And he wasn't feeling safe

I wonder if he felt like his number
could come up any time
I wonder if he felt entered
in some dark lottery

It's no wonder
we need so many drugs
The mall on the edge of town
has turned into Beirut

I do not like
anyone walking behind me
And I do not want to get stopped
by the cops for anything

I'm talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

See, I do not want my politicians in my bed or in my house or house of God
I don't care what they believe in
Or what they look like or who their daddy is

And I do not care
who a senator sucks or a president fucks at all
How many ads they got on TV
What they did or did not do in the war

See I'd rather kill the guns
Then have to kill off my emotions
I'm scared to speak my mind, or disagree, or even move
I might get noticed

Man, it's just no fun anymore
The golden rule has changed
Fire unto others
before others fire unto you

I don't need no more erection pills
I don't need a million baldness cures
Hell, these days to die in a car crash
Is practically dignified

What's the point of going to the health club
building your body, pumping them weights?
If a five-year-old can walk up
and blow you away

Hey governor
What you doing about the guns?
Hey candidate
What you gonna do about the guns?

I don't really want to die
‘Cause someone's pissed off at his girlfriend
I don't want my kid to die
‘Cause someone didn't make the football team

I don't care what John Rocker says
The first amendment's good by me
But the second one's outdated
Its ashes ought to be burned and scattered

We're talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

I write this from some highway rest stop
Now I'm gonna go sleep in my van
In America these days
That makes me practically a hero

I don't care what the top ten movies are
I don't care who just won a million dollars
I don't care what you think of abortion
Though I think it's probably better to eat the egg than kill the chicken

Hey senator
What you gonna do about the guns?
Hey Mrs. President
What you gonna do about the guns?

Hey Batman
What you gonna do about the guns?
Hey Superman
What you gonna do about the guns?

Hey Lone Ranger
You ain't alone anymore
Too many other rangers
Time to turn in your gun

Hey policeman
Time to turn in your gun
Hey everybody
Time to turn in your gun

England isn't coming
We ain't holding off the Huns
If you want to hunt the elk
Check out a gun like you check out your bowling shoes

See, I've heard all the arguments
"We need the guns against the government"
But the last time that I checked
The government's supposed to be us

And if that isn't true
Let's have a revolution right now
But if the government is us
Let's get rid of all the guns

People say it could never happen
Well, that's what they said about Jim Crow
The day he became president
John Kennedy said "Let us begin"

We need disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

I used to live next to a nursery school
Those kids screamed all day, every day
I often dreamed about killing them
I'm glad I didn't have a gun